Thursday, February 7, 2019

Some Days are Better than Others.

How do I become my own person? 

Life overwhelms me, a lot. I feel alone often because I feel like i'm the only one who is going through this. Trying to find my way and make my own. It's like i'm starting from scratch. I'm not under my parents anymore, i'm my own PERSON. Yikes. I'm not perfect. No matter how much I thought I was before, I learned that I am not perfect. I can aspire to be the best I can be in all the parts of my life. Being pulled in so many directions is scary. I get scared all the time. I always feel that I have to be in control of everything, and becoming a woman has shown me that I control nothing in this life. The only thing I can control is how I deal with life. I can only control my actions. I can manage my emotions in hopes of fully controlling them. I'm 26 and I don't know it all, and that's okay. I know in due time that my desires, my dreams will all match what God made for me. Will doubt come, yes. Will I get frustrated, yes. Will I feel like giving up, of course, but I have to keep going. I have many more years left in this life and I have to make something out of it. Somethings gotta give you know?

Battling My Demons...

I've given God a try. I won't lie, I have had my share in crystal therapy, chakras, steering away from God. Trying my best to prove that God didn't really exist. Letting trash fill my mind. I've even considered buying sage to "get the bad spirits out" (thank God I didn't do that). No matter what I did I didn't feel happy. I never felt filled or full. You know when you eat a meal and you just sit there like "i'm still hungry". My thirst was never quenched. That's how I felt. I felt like my spirit didn't have a home, like I was just wandering around with no purpose. I just felt empty inside. The older I got the more I started to remember things. Trauma's from my childhood started to consume me. I felt like I knew everything and I had the answers but I was so wrong. It ate me up inside to the point I felt that everything I was doing to cope was actually making it worse. It was. I had to fight for my soul. I even had a thought that "Jesus was just a man, he was a prophet, and that's it, Christianity is white man's religion" I knew it hurt Jesus because I felt him hold on to my heart. I seen my heart and Jesus holding on my a vein, a string. If I fully let him go, I honestly believe I would be dead right now. I've opened my self to so much that I have to let God fix it this time. I had to let him take the wheel because I was a lost cause, I had to experience my mind almost shattering to pieces, and it was something I would never want anyone to go through. God got me out and for that I owe him my life, because without God I am truly nothing. 

Rebuilding My Life...God's way.

This road is not an easy road. It's narrow and difficult, but it's the right road that will lead me to HIM. For those who question God's existence, for the ones who convinced themselves that Jesus is not who he says He is, for those who are steering away from Him I really encourage you to take a moment out of your day and just talk to him and vent. Also ask him to reveal Himself to you in a way that only YOU can understand. Don't expect him to talk to you like how you talk to another human being. Don't expect God to come from off his thrown and show himself to you because I will tell you right now, He won't. That's not how God works. He is not a genie. I also encourage you to not put God in a box. Bible stories you've learned in bible school is just the tip of the iceberg. The stories that these amazing anointed men and women of God shared from the past is so relevant to our individual lives. It's amazing and full of wisdom. God is so real and full of so much love that His love can be overwhelming at first. Sometimes I have to take a break from studying because the bible gets REAL okay lol. Build a relationship with him. He wants a relationship with all of us. If not then why would he makes us?